I think she just wants to sleep, Samwise.

I’ve been reworking a lot of old images since Scout died. It’s a bit like having a time machine, going back and editing old pictures, and I’ve also used the occasion to test out a variety of raw converters. A surprise favorite is one I didn’t even know existed until recently, PictureCode’s Photo Ninja. No converter does everything well and this is no exception but I liked it well enough after working through just a few images that I bought it straight away.

This is the first picture I took of Sam, taken the day we adopted him in 2007. You can see from his body language he’s still a little apprehensive about the sudden change in his life, but it didn’t take him long to feel right at home.

Sam and Scout were close so her death was particularly hard on him. He’s always liked sleeping on my legs, but in the first few weeks after she died he’d huddle up tight against me like he was seeking shelter from a storm. He stayed glued to my lap for the first few months but a few weeks ago also started venturing to other favorite spots around the house for his naps. And within the past few days he’s gotten playful again, a good sign.

But he and Emma (the black cat behind him) have fought aggressively a handful of times this week too, I hope that doesn’t last. Usually they get along, but Emma isn’t the snuggler Scout was, so even then life without Scout is a big adjustment.

Achilles had his heels, Ellie her ankles. She’s off them again, doctor’s orders.

She wouldn’t put much weight on her right rear leg so she went to the vet and has been put on bed rest and painkillers. She had put on weight over the winter, more than we realized, so she’s also going on a diet for a while. Her final weight target is lower than before, in hopes of putting less stress on her ankles and joints.

I miss my goofball, can’t wait until she can come up and join me in my office again (she’s resting just outside it in this picture). She’s as good as they come.

I always knew Scout’s death would be particularly hard for me but I didn’t expect it to be this hard. It’s been four months since she died but the road to recovery has been a slower walk than I expected. It hasn’t helped that work got unexpectedly stressful and hectic during those months, leaving me so worn out that I was often falling asleep after dinner. Rather embarrassing for a night owl like me.

They say you shouldn’t make any major changes in the wake of the loss of a loved one, and though I suppose the advice usually applies to the death of a spouse I’ve applied it here as well, for there have been a number of times the past few months I’ve felt like abandoning wildlife photography. I suppose that’s partly a reaction to the amount of time it takes to photograph the way I like and partly to the new telephotos being priced far out of my range.

It is true I haven’t been up to Ridgefield since January, partly because I haven’t felt like going, but partly because I’ve been too tired to get up at the early hours I like to visit the refuge. And I guess I did put my camera aside entirely for a few months until I started taking pictures of the pets again these past few weeks, but at least I did use my time away from Ridgefield to start expanding out the wildflower garden I started a few years ago. I’m slowly making the backyard more bird friendly, as I’ve been experimenting with shooting birds from my office window. And this fall when the birds migrate back, I’ll join them at Ridgefield.

Unfortunately I didn’t get much done on the computer since our cat Sam, who had been close to Scout and struggled too after her death, was constantly snuggled up on my lap where my computer normally resides. But coincident with the warming weather and opening of windows he has ventured further afield, so I’m making my return to blogging and hope to get caught up on email.

This picture of Scout is from January of 2007 as she sat in her heated bed in my office. Templeton was still alive then but would die at the end of the year, shortly before we adopted our cats Sam and Emma, a year before our dog Ellie. Life marches on and someday soon I’ll be able to look at pictures of Scout with all smiles and no tears, just as I can with Templeton.

I’m just not quite there yet.

I’ve put about 2000 miles on our new XV Crosstrek over the past four months and I have to say, I absolutely adore the car. Somebody at Subaru loves me.

Subaru has announced a hybrid version of the Crosstrek that will come out this fall that, while barely improving the gas mileage, adds a number of other features I like — especially since it looks like it can go short distances on battery alone, which would make it perfect for visiting Ridgefield. Some of the improvements are things that were already available on Crosstreks in other regions of the world — turn indicators on the mirrors, keyless entry and start, and a stop/start engine. Others are new and address a couple of criticisms I have of my Crosstrek — more sound insulation and an easier-to-read speedometer.

While it mostly sounds like a nice improvement on a car that fits me so well, there are a few downsides. Price hasn’t been announced, the gas tank got smaller so range isn’t really increasing, and the wheels are a little more traditional and not as fun as mine. But above all, they abandoned the lovely tail lights of my car (shown above) and went with a clear LED cluster. Whoever designed the lights on my Crosstrek gets top marks as I love both the front and rear light clusters, and that’s rare for me. I’m also glad to once more be driving a car with orange turn signals in the back, another thing I’m going to make mandatory when I’m king of the world.

Despite its inferior taillights, we’ll likely replace the aging Outback with the new hybrid this fall and become a two-Crosstrek family. Assuming the Outback makes it that long, it was out of commission for a couple of weeks for repairs after getting rear-ended while stopped at a stop light. The repairs were expensive enough that I was afraid the insurance company might write the car off, but thankfully they didn’t. It’s been a great car and sold me on the Subaru brand, I hope the Crosstrek serves us as faithfully.

Water spills from a gadwall’s bill after she took a drink from Horse Lake. Similar to the picture I recently posted of a gadwall drinking from Horse Lake, but taken a year earlier (almost to the day).

It’s been over two months since Scout died and I’ve been remiss in not thanking those who were so helpful during her final week.

First to the veterinary teams who treated her, Laurelhurst Veterinary Hospital (our regular vet) and Northwest Veterinary Specialists (an emergency vet). We’ve been going to Laurelhurst since we moved to Portland over a decade ago, Dr. Abbott is our regular vet and saw Scout when we brought her in after she got sick, while Dr. Ross saw her at the end when it was time to euthanize her. This was our first visit to NVS and Dr. Brown managed Scout’s treatment. Everyone called when the said they would, the two groups communicated with each other and with me, answered my questions and gave advice, and everyone was friendly and supportive. They also sent cards after Scout died signed by those who knew her.

Thanks to cats unknown who contributed the blood for the transfusion that kept Scout alive long enough for her diagnosis to be completed, and let me spend one last day with her and be there when she died. Having cats donate blood is tricky since they have to sedated, and different places have different policies. The blood bank at NVS for example is collected from cats owned by the staff, while the blood bank at DoveLewis is collected from rescue cats they adopt.

Thanks to Apple for their iPhone and TomTom for their navigation app, as one drawback to NVS is that it isn’t close to us and is in an area I’m not familiar with, and I get turned around pretty easily. On the way to pick up Scout after her transfusion, traffic was a mess on the freeways but the little genius woman in the phone put me onto surface streets that were busy but not backed up, and I arrived in good time to get Scout, all without getting lost (and even more stressed).

Thanks to my wife for many reasons. Towards the end when Scout was getting her transfusion, the city inspector was also coming by to inspect our new heater. I had taken the day off work so I could get Scout at a moment’s notice. My wife repeatedly asked if she should stay home too to meet the inspector, since I was visibly upset, but I repeatedly said I’d be fine and she should go. But after she left I started to worry that there would be trouble with Scout’s transfusion and I’d have to leave right away. More than anything, if Scout was going to die, I wanted to be there with her. I started having trouble breathing so I called my wife and she came back home and met with the inspector. She also took care of everything when Scout was euthanized so I didn’t have to deal with anyone in my heartbroken state.

She’s also the reason Scout came into my life in the first place. A dog lover growing up, I fell in love with cats when I met her cat Templeton, and later she suggested we adopt Scout after her friend found a litter of kittens under their house.

And thanks to my black-and-white cat who I dearly miss. I’m close to all my pets but Scout and I were so perfectly matched, and she so completely devoted to me, that I doubt I’ll know a bond like ours ever again.

Rest peacefully, little one.

Scout would have turned twelve today.

This was my view these past twelve years as I edited nearly every image you’ve seen here, Scout in her heated bed, sitting right in front of me. Usually she’d be curled up in the bed, but sometimes she’d watch me as I worked. She was a tiny little thing so if she was laying down she had to stick her head up to reach the top. It didn’t look too comfortable but it always made me laugh.

Oh Scout, you were the best, and I miss you so.

My favorite coyote picture, taken over a year ago in January of 2012.

Coyotes have a complicated and controversial relationship with our modern world, and I’m not sure how this pack will fare now that subdivisions have replaced the meadows on the hills above the refuge. I seen them near the road sometimes as I drive into town before sunrise, but I see them as roadkill too. And there will be conflicts with barbed-wire fences and dogs and cats.

But on this morning, as it hunted for voles with its mate, and as a few snowflakes began to fall, all was peaceful. Only the three of us were around, and since I stayed quiet in my car, they let me watch at my leisure as they worked the the length of the dike.

A peaceful morning for me, if not for the voles.

A female gadwall drinks as she swims across Horse Lake.

We speak a different language, she and I, but her big brown eyes stare deeply into mine and ask what words cannot.

“Can I have a piece of your pizza?”

Northern harriers like this yawning female are one of the most commonly seen birds of prey at Ridgefield but they usually keep their distance, so I don’t get to play around with close-up pictures of them. I keep hoping one day …

Ridgefield presents me with a conundrum, which is I spend so much time there that I don’t visit the other parts of the Pacific Northwest as often as I’d like. But I enjoy my time there, and know that if we were to move away, it’s Ridgefield I’d miss the most.

But I don’t have to move away to lose the refuge in some sense. There was a possibility a while back they were going to reduce the auto tour length by half, which would drastically reduce my desire to go. Thankfully for me that didn’t happen and they only took out a very small section.

But my bigger worry has been an increase in the population of the town of Ridgefield itself, as the former farmer’s town is fast growing into a bedroom community for nearby Vancouver and Portland. Since I first started visiting a decade ago, several fields have turned into big subdivisions, greatly increasing the population of the town to what I think is now around 4,000. But I read an article recently that the town leaders are planning on an increase in the next decade to 24,000.

The way I like to work the refuge is to find a favorite spot and wait there for a while, and since a passing car can spook a subject whose trust I’ve gained, even a small increase in traffic can make the experience much less enjoyable for me. I already don’t tend to stay when the weather is nice because of the increase in visitors — that and my crazy love of photographing in the rain.

And then there are places like where I photographed this great blue heron, where the road is so narrow there isn’t room for someone to get past if I stop. Thankfully on this morning traffic was light, even as late as 10 a.m., and I was able to stop on my own for a while before another car came up and I moved on.

I’ll never stop going to the refuge completely, but I suspect over the coming years I’ll start going less and visiting other places more. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. I haven’t gone up this year apart from a few days at the start of the year, I wasn’t in the mood after our cat Scout died in early February, and I’ve been battling a cold the past couple of weeks. But I’ll be back soon.

I just got a new computer at work, replacing one that was six years old, and got two 24″ Dell LCD monitors as well. The new monitors aren’t as nice as my 27″ Apple monitor at home, but they are a big improvement over what I had before, and this picture is currently my desktop picture. I was going to put a picture of Scout up at first, but apparently even six weeks after her death I’m not quite ready for that. Most of the time her picture made me smile, but occasionally it would bring tears to my eyes, so I’m holding off for now.

Scout is on the lock screen of my iPhone, so it may not be long before she takes over my desktop as well. Although I have to say, the heron makes for a great background image.

A shot from last fall of Sam and Emma.

The two are friendly but don’t often cuddle up like this, which is unfortunate since in the six weeks since Scout passed away, the ever-snuggly Sam has been on constant lookout to replace her affections. A lot of the time the two spent together they spent with me, so it’s not so much that he’s spending more time with me but rather that he wants to be up close rather than out on my legs, a favorite Sam spot since he was a wee kitten.

I don’t know if we’ll ever adopt another kitten in the hopes that the two will become close friends, just as he and Scout did five years ago, but in the meantime we’ve tried some commercially available Scout substitutes, such as

• I Can’t Believe It’s Not Scout
• Skout
• Kiss Me I’m Scouttish

but so far none have worked.

For such a tiny little cat, she left a big hole to fill.

I took this picture of Ellie the day after Scout died. Her cheerless disposition is not because she was mourning Scout’s passing, mind you, rather it’s the expression I usually get whenever I raise the camera to my face.

She was bored.

Ellie is happy-go-lucky to the core but I don’t have a lot of pictures that show it.

I love taking pictures of the pets but wish I took more. Certainly having one camera has been a limitation, especially since it is often set up for wildlife photography. But some of the shots I want to take are surprisingly demanding. Since I prefer not to use flash and the light levels are usually low, I like big sensors that work well in these conditions — I’d prefer even bigger than what I have now, but that gets expensive and very limited in options.

Fast lenses are nice, but image stabilization is a must. I want control over depth of field — for many of these shots I want more, not less — and image stabilization gives me more of that control without the cumbersome nature of a tripod.

My current camera, a traditional SLR, is pretty good with these things.

But I also want the camera to be completely silent and as unobtrusive as possible. And I want to shoot without holding the camera to my face, to keep the pets more engaged — and more natural — and articulating LCD screens are best.

The camera needs to be small so it’s readily at hand and easy to move about.

Fast autofocus is good, but accurate focus is better. Especially in low light, and with black fur. Close focus is also required for when the pets are on my lap.

Nothing out there does all of that, but there have been a number of interesting small cameras in the past year from the likes of Fuji and Sony and Olympus that are providing a quality alternative to the traditional SLR. I’ll stick with the SLR for wildlife shots, and maybe for everything else too, who knows.

Just casting my eyes about for now.

A female lesser scaup scans the skies while swimming in the soft light of a winter’s morning. I love photographing when the waters are this still and found her expression almost whimsical, but there’s a good reason the ducks keep an eye on the skies above Ridgefield.

Hard as it is for me to believe, it’s been almost five weeks since Scout passed away. Her loss has been particularly hard on little Sam but he’s been making a slow recovery and is now nearly back to normal, or perhaps has reached the new normal.

Sam loves snuggling on my legs (shown here a few years ago), to the point that if this were a cartoon I’d have permanent Sam-shaped divots on my legs. But after Scout died he’d only sit in my lap tucked up tight against my chest, as though he was huddling against the cold. After a couple of weeks he relaxed a bit and while still in my lap moved a few inches away, and then a few inches more, but he still stays so close that I can’t really work on my laptop.

I don’t know if he’ll return to sleeping on my legs or if I’ll have to adapt to his new position on my lap. Sometimes he’ll walk down to where he used to sleep but he’ll turn around and come back, so perhaps it’s just going to take a bit more time. He did go all the way down to my feet the other day, but not unaided. Our dog Ellie was snuggling up next to me as well and suddenly sat up and began licking him in the face. He put up with the indignity for a little while but when it was clear she wasn’t going to stop, he moved down to my feet until the coast was clear when she fell back asleep, and then he came back.

His purr has finally returned. It didn’t completely disappear after Scout died, but it got very quiet and hard to come by and didn’t last long. Just in the past few days he’s purred loud and long when we climb into bed at night, so he is definitely recovering.

So too am I.

Scout was my near and constant companion so when I’m at home even now her absence is clearly felt. After getting past that initial wall of grief in the days after she died, a shadow of sadness lurks and at unpredictable times I feel her loss most acutely. But that is at it should be, she was one of the best parts of my life.

With Sam snuggling too close for me to do much typing on my laptop, I’ve been catching up on a lot of old classic movies and British mysteries, usually with Sam on my lap, Ellie tucked up beside me on my right, with our other cat Emma a few feet to my left in her heated bed. Scout’s heated bed lies empty, and that in and of itself is surprising. Sam loved sleeping in her bed and I assumed after she died he’d take it over as his. But right after she died he’d only occasionally get in, then for a few weeks actively avoided it. Now he’s back to occasionally sleeping in it, but mostly it lies empty.

He has been sleeping in Ellie’s beds quite a bit, but that’s not unusual, he’s always done that. Emma has started doing it too, and I had to laugh the other day when both of Ellie’s beds near my office were full of cats and Ellie was scrunched up over on the floor beside them.

What a blessing they are, these little ones.

Scout and Emma were friendly but not close. Emma is affectionate but sometimes seems unsure about asking for attention when she wants it, especially with three other pets who not only weren’t shy about asking for attention but also wanted a lot of it. Her previous family had multiple cats (too many, apparently, as that was the reason they listed for giving her up), so perhaps from an early age she struggled to find her place in the world.

Even if we aren’t the perfect home for her, we’ve been a good one, and she’s come out of her shell more and more each year. When we first brought her home, she’d get nippy when she got stimulated so we couldn’t pet her for too long. As she’s gotten older and more comfortable, though, she’s learned to relax and enjoy the attention. After I remodeled my office she started hanging out here a lot more, making it easier for me to seek her out for a game of string or a head-and-back scratch — she enjoys her spa time and likes a rather vigorous massage.

Scout may have been a good and gentle queen, but she definitely saw herself as queen. Now that Emma is the oldest cat, I hope she’ll find the crown a comfortable fit.

I took this picture of her one afternoon as she slept in the cat tree, smushed up against the windowsill of my office window. To my eyes she looked uncomfortable, but she seemed happy enough apart from the click-click-click of the camera shutter that interrupted her nap.

Emma was 16 or 17 months old when we adopted her five years ago from the Oregon Humane Society. Looking back at the original information provided by the family that dropped her off, there were a few things that surprised me. They said they were her second family and had gotten her from a friend or relative. Given that they had her for a year, I hope her first family was where she lived until she was old enough to adopt out. Her last family gave her up because they had too many cats and couldn’t find a home for her.

I was surprised by the note that when she first came in she had a wound in her neck. It must have been small and healed by the time we first saw her two-and-a-half weeks later, as I don’t remember anything about a wound. She also had a mild flea problem and ear mites, but those were also cleaned up by the time we first met.

There’s also an odd comment the family wrote while describing her personality that, as near as I can make out from their handwriting, says “great parent”. Did our Em have a litter of kittens before we got her? Or were they trying to say she was good with the other young kittens they had?

Or did they say “great parrot”? I tried a few polly wanna cracker’s on Em but she just looked at me like I was mad, so if she’s a parrot, I wouldn’t say she’s a great one.